The ever-resilient mind said one day, "why bother clinging to? "
The ever-hoping heart replied, "why forget?"


I could have used my ever-resilient mind to overcome those scary thoughts from my ancient what-ifs.
I could have used my ever-hoping heart to embrace the meek yet hurtful reality that indeed, there are things I can no longer change. 
Not now, not ever. I could have used me instead.

Me...The "me"  who deceives abstract emotions with the concretely convenient ones. 

The "me" who shakes the stagnant euphoria that no man would endure. 

The "me" who clings to be understood. 
...Yes, I just wanted to be understood. 








But then, no one.
              nobody
              not even you....

             dared trying to..

OFF TO SLUMBER LAND! :) AND MY TICKLE BUDDY!

ISN'T IT NICE TO SEE THAT DESPITE THE HUGE DIFFERENCE, CONNECTION IS STILL POSSIBLE. :)

white flag

I guess it kinda sucks to reside with your ephemeral courage that every inch of “may-it-be” from the abyss of your not-so-tough sentiment would push you to hope… and hope… and hope…

You were like…

…every damn song from your lists make you wanna live for one more day…

You were like…

…living in a fantasy, or a love story made for one…

You were like…

…being mum about how you effin’ feel for that one person who sees nothing but your flaws…

You were like…

…the epitome of utmost sacrifice yet you still don’t want to raise the white flag.

… I don’t know what to feel anymore. It’s so effin’ hard to live in your memories. You did not see my worth then. Should I be surprise to know that I still don’t matter to you now?

P.S. 

worry not. my ten years of lunacy will soon end.

till then

How can you teach yourself not to look back at the past? 

How can you say to yourself it's over? 

How do you bid goodbye to those memories when in reality, you just can't... and perhaps you never can. 

You were just a fraction of my lifetime. 

A mere memory. 

You were less than a visitor from my ever-changing life. 

You were just someone i met along the way. 

Now, until now, I just can't figure out why you are still the biggest loss of my life.

I don't think you have the slightest idea how you turned my world upside-down. how you turned my nights uneasy and my days almost as bitter as my tears.

I don't think you have still have the memory of those days when i was your only fan, your silent fan. That whatever you do, I was silently with you.

a decade had passed. Yet the memory of your bashful eyes hiding in those glasses still haunt me. 

a decade had passed. Yet the memory of that uncertain smile still weaken me.

Someday, you'll find me beside you. 

you'll find me looking at you.

And when that time comes, you will feel how much you were loved all these years. how much someone has been longing to make you happy. to be really happy.

i am sorry i was not there to clear things out. I am sorry i was not able to defend myself to rampant lies that pulled us apart. i am sorry for not telling you how it hurts to see you go on with your life without sharing your emotions with me. But never was there a day I did not think of you. Never was there a day I did not close my eyes and dig my mind to see your picture. Never. never was there a day I did not try to find you.....

You who find anime and manga amusing. 

You who find science and math combine are God's greatest mystery. 

You who find  harry potter the most likable character ever made.

You who find music the purest escape to life's excruciating pains.

you who decided that somewhere, somehow Life still has to go on. 

Maybe I am just a fraction of your memory. A visitor of your life. A friend from the past...and you know what? I can still stay that way. everyday i am earnestly praying that you find happiness, even if happiness is not me. 

till then.

Pagtakas. Pag-iwas. Paglaya

Naisip mo na rin bang magpakamatay?

Naitanong mo na ba sa sarili mo kung masakit nga ba sa lalamunan ang Muriatic Acid? O kung lalawit nga ba ang dila mo sa paghigpit ng lubid? Maganda ka pa kayang tingnan sa iyong kabaong kung sakaling pagtihulog sa ika-pitong palapag ang makababasag ng bungo mo? O di kaya’y bigyang tuldok ng balang kriminal ang pintig ng iyong puso?

Aray! Kaysakit nga siguro. Pero ano ba naman ang sakit ng mga paraang ito kumpara sa pait at pighati sa loob ng mundong ginagalawan mo.

Ilang segundo…

Ilang minuto…

pagkatapos…

blanko.

Pagtakas. Pag-iwas. Paglaya.

Sino nga ba ang ayaw lumaya? Ang pagtakas ang pinakamainam na estado matapos ang dagok at sakit na damdam ng pagkatao. Ang pag-iwas sa ibinabatong putik ay sadyang mainam din na paraan. Ang paglaya mula sa walang katulad na pait ng luha ang hangad ng bawat nilalang. Saad nga ng isang awit ng bayan, “Ibon mang may layang lumipad, kulungin mo at umiiyak”…

Siyanga.

Sa tindi ng dahas ng mapag-imbot mong paligid, nunukal ng kusa sa puso mo ang kagustuhang makaalpas. Ang kaibuturan ng puso, kapag pumalaot sa pinakamalamig na lungkot ay kayang magnais na huminto sa pagtibok. At sa puntong ito magsisimula ang pagwawakas ng iyong pag-iral ngunit siyang magiging dahilan ng walang hanggang hirap ng kalooban ng iyong mga iiwanan.

Sabi nila, ang buhay ay isang gulong. Minsan masaya, minsan malungkot. Ang ilan nama’y naniniwalang ang buhay ay parang rosaryong kay haba at puno ng misteryo. Samantalang ang ila’y tila naniniwalang ang buhay ay nakabatay sa awa ng Poong dinadasalan mo.

Makailang beses mong nilabanan ang dyablo ng iyong nakaraan. Ilang ulit kang nagpumiglas na huwag masaling ng kirot at pagdaramdam. Umalpas ka at pumiglas ngunit wala ng natitirang lakas. Hinugot at inubos na ng kawalan pati na ang huli mong pahimakas.

Ang pagkitil ay labag sa mata ng Diyos ayon sa ikalimang utos. Ngunit ang masakit na paghamon sa iyong katinuan ng tila-impyernong mundo mo ang siyang unang hakbang tungo sa inaakalang panandaliang pagtakas. Sa pagkagapos ng bisig sa tanikalang masakit, nunuot sa iyong katauhan ang katagang “Tama na. Ayoko na. Nais ko ng lumaya.” Malilimot ng katiting na konsensya ang katwirang eklesyal na nagsasabing sa “mainit na pugon” magpapatuloy ang iyong kalbaryo. Malilimot ng pira-pirasong puso ang katwirang mayroon pa… mayroon pang pag-asa…

At sa huli, sa marmol mong lapida na sinlamig ng bawat gabing pagluha ng iyong Ama masusulat ang dalawang petsang ikaw at ikaw lamang ang may akda. Mauukit ang petsa ng iyong unang pagngiti sa Haring araw at ang huling pagpikit sa gimbal na liwanag. At sa pagitan ng dalawang petsang iyon ay ang isang maliit na guhit na piping saksi sa buhay na minsan mong itinangi.

Pagtakas. Pag-iwas. Paglaya

Ang paraan ay marami ngunit ang hantunga’y mananatili.

pain

Void.

Reluctance.

Afraid.

Excruciating.

Throbbing.

Breaking.

Abyss.

Pieces.

Empty.

Reprieve me.

Pain.

Console me.

LUNA

She wonders about stars so little

And the moon so alone

And at daytime she looked again

Then, right then she sees no more

She sings, and oh she smiles

She cuddles her breath

And wave, and sigh

The flowers she weave

In the tears she keep… slowly…gently…died

There, oh the moon, it speaks to her

Like a father gently dying at ease

Look! Its face tremble and grieve

Because she, she lost forever..And gone

Her identity she locks in peace

There, the smiles mock the fear

There, the calmness takes the tear

Her sanity…she left in abyss

Goodbye oh moon, her only friend

The serenity of dusk will set you free

Above! There in heaven, she will be

Cuddling the dawn, seek another she…very soon.