lss

What Hurts The Most lyrics
Songwriters: Steele, Jeffrey; Robson, Steve;

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

For a Friend I’ve Never Met and Will Never Have

I was a child
with a broken toy
I had no playmate to catch the ball
I hid the scar from the morning rush
I carried the pain until my cherished dawn

I struggled…everyday…
every hour of my every second
I wanted to hide
I wanted to cry
I prayed and summon
Free me from this dejection
Cover my frustration
Take me out of my depression.
I pray for peace…
Please. Take me.

I left the realm of confusion
I besiege the darkness of my world
I swallowed her tear and his pain
I caught my breath for one last second
Now… I’m at peace. Eternally.

Isang Panawagan

Nagsisimula ang bawat pagbabago sa taos-pusong pagmulat.
Umuusbong ang kasalukuyan sa tuwing binigyang-halaga ang nakaraan para sa isang matuwid at matiwasay na hinaharap.
Nagkakakulay ang ipinaglalaban kung may tugmang pang-unawa sa pulso at tibok ng mundong iniinugan ng masang iyong kinabibilangan.

Kabataan, kasama ka sa numero.
Kasama ka sa sirkulo.
Kasama ka sa karamihan.
Kailangan ka ng bayan.

Hindi mo maaaring ipagpaliban ang isang desisyong tuwirang maghihimpil sa’yo sa lunduyan ng wasto at makatarungang simula.

Hindi mo maaaring ikibit ang iyong balikat dahil sa maling persepsyon na wala ng pagbabagong magaganap, dahil ikaw mismo ang pagbabagong matagal ng hinahanap ng Bayan. Tandaan mong ang iyong pagkamulat ay matagal na Niyang nais. Ang iyong pagmulat ang tanging patalim na kikitil sa makasariling pag-iral ng mga taong nagsasamantala sa kahinaan ng iba. Ang iyong pagmulat ang susi upang labanan ang mga taong tila ba ang tingin sa kanilang mga sarili ay panginoong walang hanggan ang hininga. Mga taong tahasang kumakalimot na sa sarili nilang mortalidad at walang awang nagpapasasa sa yamang ni minsan nama’y hindi sumapat sa kanila.

Makialam ka, gaya ng ginawang pakikialam ng mga bayaning nauna sa’yo.Makisangkot ka, gaya ng pakikisangkot ng di-iilang taong nagbuwis ng buhay para sa kapakanan mo.

Huwag mong iikot lamang sa panandaliang ligayang bunga ng selpon, laptop, at iPod ang bawat araw na inilalagi mo sa mundong ito. Huwag mong isawalang-bahala ang nangyayari sa paligid mo at manatiling sa facebook, twitter at friendster lamang updated ang kaisipan mo. Oo, mahalaga ang teknolohiya. Bahagi din sila ng paglago. Ngunit pansinin mo rin ang umaalmang kasawian ng mga tao sa paligid mo. Tunghayan mo ang reyalidad sa kapaligiran mo. Huwag ang puro huwad na pagporma at pagyayabang ng mga latest fashion statement ng merkado mula paa hanggang ulo ang pagkahumalingan mo. Walang masamang sumabay sa uso. Ang masama ay kung lumalaki kang tuod, bingi at walang kibo.

Hindi lamang sa paghingi (at kadalasan pa nga’y pag- kickback) ng baon, pagpasok sa eskwela, pagkuha ng quiz, pagdefend ng thesis at pagtanggap ng pinakahihintay na diploma umiikot ang buhay nating mga estudyante at kabataan. Sayang naman ang bawat hiningang nagmumula sa’yo. Sayang naman ang pagkabilang sa’yo bilang kabataan kung mismong iyong karapatan ay di mo bibigyan ng tamang paggalang.

Mag-aral ka.
Palawakin mo ang iyong kaisipan.
Pagyamanin mo ang iyong karanasan.
Payabungin mo ang iyong kakayahan.

Huwag mong isilid sa apat na sulok ng silid-aralan ang iyong nalalaman. Lumabas ka at makialam. At maniwala ka na sa bawat pakikialam ay binibigyan mo ng pagkakataong mabuhay sa isang lipunang makatarungan at makatao ang henerasyong susunod sa’yo –ang henerasyon ng mga magiging anak mo.

Lumabas ka at ipakita mong may saysay ang pagluwal sa’yo sa mundong ito. Lumaban ka kung kinakailangan. Tandaan mong hindi pagiging subersibo o matigas ang ulo ang pagtatanggol sa karapatan at pagsigaw ng sa tingin mo’y mga makatwirang katotohan.

Hindi ka ipinanganak upang maging pipi sa mga pang-aapi, maging bingi sa mga hikbi at maging bulag sa tunay na kalagayan ng iyong kapwa. Mas mainam pa ang mamatay ng may ipinaglalaban kaysa manatiling buhay na bahag ang buntot at ignorante sa katotohanan.

Sa tuwing binubuksan mo ang telebisyon, napapanood mo ba ang mga batang milya-milya ang nilalakad ng nakatapak para lamang makapasok sa paaralan nilang isang bagyo na lang yata ang kulang para tuluyan ng bumigay ang pundasyon? Kung tutuusin, maswerte ka hindi ba?
Sa tuwing nagbabasa ka ng pahayagan, nakikita mo ba ang patuloy na pananamantala ng mga panginoong maylupa sa mga magsasaka at uring manggagawa? Nasisiyasat mo ba ang kabi-kabilang katiwalian? Ang samut-saring nakawan? Ang malawakang pangangamkam? Bago mo pagnakawan ang iyong sariling magulang sa pamamagitan ng iba’t-ibang pakulo tungkol sa matrikula at iba pang gastusin sa paaralan, bakit di mo subukang isipin ang mga taong ni minsan ay di man lang nakatuntong ng grade one dahil sa kahirapan? Naisip mo ba at naitanong sa iyong sarili na hindi kaya ang mga taktikang ginagamit mo sa panlilinlang sa iyong magulang ay naging taktika rin ng mga pulitikong walang alam kundi katiwalian?

Sa tuwing magbubukas ka ng radyo, naririnig mo ba ang nakababahalang kalugmukan ng bansa sa kabi-kabilang mga utang? Huwag lamang ang iyong baon sa araw-araw ang iyong bilangin. Matuto ka ring tumingin sa statistics ng mga taong walang kinakain.

Patuloy ang pagtaas ng mga bilihin at kaalinsabay nito ay ang patuloy na pagdami ng mga bilang ng namamatay sa gutom. Habang sarap na sarap ka sa kanin ninyong Super Angelica, bakit di mo subukang tikman kahit minsan ang NFA rice at lasapin mo hindi lamang ang pagod at pawis ng mga magsasaka kundi maging ang hirap sa pagpila ng karaniwang tao kapalit ang ilang kilo nito?

Sa tuwing excited ka sa mga mall-getaway at movie marathon ninyong magkakabarkada, bakit di mo subukang magsuot ng basahan at kumatok sa bintana ng mga sasakyan ng sa gayon ay maramdaman mo kahit kaunti kung ano ang pakiramdam ng isang busabos at pinandidirihan? Sa tuwing mag-uubos ka ng baong pinaghirapan ng mga magulang mo sa paglalaro ng Dota o di kaya’y pagtambay sa labas ng paaralan para manigarilyo, bakit di mo subukang gutumin muna ang sarili sa loob ng maghapon para kahit minsan man lamang ay mabigyan ng hustisya ang paglustay mo ng pera ng iyong magulang at ng maramdaman mo ang matagal ng pakiramdam ng mga batang buong maghapong nasa lansangan sa halip na nasa paaralan?

Kung ang mga pangyayari sa labas ng iyong tahanan ay tinuturing mong pawang mga pangkaraniwang eksena na lamang, malamang kabilang ka sa grupong tinatawag kong Apatetiko Ako na may mottong “wala akong pakialam sa inyo, basta ako masaya sa buhay ko.”

Kabataan, huwag kang umupo lang at hayaang lumipas ang mga araw sa kalendaryo habang maraming Pilipino ang nagnanais ng pagbabago. Ikaw ang magsisilbing batingaw na gigising sa tulog-mantikang gobyerno. Ikaw at ikaw lang ang sasagot sa mga tanong mong may kinalaman sa pag-iral mo bilang Pilipino.

Wika nga ni Lualhati Bautista sa Bata, bata…Pa’no ka Ginawa?, “Habang lumalaki kayo, hindi ba dumadami ang mga tanong n’yo sa isip? Wala, wala namang masamang tanong. Ang mayroon lang ay palaiwas at sinungaling na mga sagot.”

Huwag nating hayaang malinlang muli ang bawat isa sa atin ng mga sinungaling at mapagkunwaring dakdak ng mga kandidato sa halalang darating. Masusi nating pag-aralan ang bawat plataporma at haing plano ng bawat isa sa kanila.


Tandaan mo, isang boto lang yan.
Isang botong bibilangin at uukit ng kasaysayan.
Isang botong magiging kasangkapan upang muling dumaloy ang demokrasayang pinapatay sa kasalukukyan.

Sa simpleng pagsulat ng mga pangalang sa tingin nati’y may karapatang mamuno sa sugatang bayan, binibigyan natin ng kapangyarihan ang ating mga sarili na baguhin ang pahina ng mga susunod na kabanata sa loob at labas ng Malacañang.


Muli ay sasabihin ko, “Kabataan…
kasama ka sa numero.
Kasama ka sa sirkulo.
Kasama ka sa karamihan.
Kailangan ka ng bayan.”

“You should always leave love ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.”

One of my favorite mottos is Carpe Diem, Vita Brevis Est. It is a Latin statement which means Seize the Day, Life is Brief. A philosopher once stated that always live your day as if it will be your last. Such a momentous statement! And I believe that everyday, our love ones need our caress, our sweetness and an assurance that they will always stay inside our heart no matter what happens.

Life is really short. Some people never realize the vulnerability and sacredness of each morning that we wake up. Some people would drag themselves to the darkest sins of indifference and apathy without realizing that their lives are capsulated in a time bottle or in an hour glass.

Love and live as if it were the only things that matter in this world. We should shout out our heart every time we have the chance to express what we feel. We must embrace our love ones as if it would be the last chance to touch them. They deserve our every expressions of love. It would be best if we tell those people we care so much that we love them while they can still hear the words “I love you” than shower them with loads of flowers and rivers of tears and regret when they are already dead.

Every day should be the happy ending that every fairy tale is promising its readers. Every day should be the most wonderful day of our lives. There should be no room for insensitivity, regrets and apathy.

Love is so broad and abstract that it needs a thousand ways to be expressed yet it is so deep that it only needs to be uttered with much sincerity to be felt forever. Simple things from the heart count most. We need not buy the most expensive gems or minerals in order for our loved ones to feel that they are special.

Yet at every story, there is a final chapter or perhaps, a conclusion to the whole book. But as we go along the pages, what matters is how much we pour out our hearts to those people who badly needed even the remotest expression of love.

I hate goodbyes! But if one day, my loved ones would need to leave me, I won’t have a single regret of not letting them feel how much my life has changed simply because they exist.

Carpe Diem, Vita Brevis est. Yes, life is short, but we can make it whole and eternal.

_END_

my brother

this is my brother Victor James..He is now a seminarian and studying at the Christ the King Seminary. when i asked him if he really wanted to become a priest-missionary, he said.."yeah, let's just see"..;p

me..

this picture was taken when i was a newly grad . i think i was four and a half years old..it's really nice to reminisce..

new baby

we have a new baby in the house..after Emopunk, we have a new day-old kitten named ?..i actually don't know yet the gender..i was trying to feed her with a tonic food drink,.haha..anyway, the kitten likes to be held and pampered and it cries so much whenever she/he is left at the cat cradle i made..;p
i'm sure my brother will be happy to see our new member of the family.after all, He (VJ) is more of an animal-lover than a seminarian.hahaha..

6TH OF JULY

I get a bit reluctant and scared every time the month of July would turn to its 6th date.
I get petrified when reality would infuse its pang deep within my consciousness.
Reality would whisper thoughts in my head and after some moments of solitude, the actuality of the moment would burst piercing my ego. Yes, I am 23.

I am the heaven that is changing its hue.
I am the canvass that is kissing the new brush.
Yet…
I am Napoleon that knows no Waterloo and
I am the column that no Samson could crush.


I garnered a new age today and somehow this fact caught me off-guard. I asked my self some points of truth that would make me conclude if, at some cost I lived my life with buoyancy and resilience. Still, I feel like I need all the time in the world to choose the right way from the confusing crossroad that I’m on. I may still tumble again in a dark room just because I forgot to put some light on. I may cry again over the same old reason. I may sink again as I swim through the waters of the unjust but I won’t stop to fight the waves because I know that I simply need to survive.

I am a survivor for the past 22 years and yet I am still on the verge of sacrificing and existing.

I am the anonymous author of a book with the unknown price.
I am the street light in a place with no passerby. Discussion on use
Yet…
I am the wisdom of my renowned forefathers and
I am the journey that few men dare stride.


I salute my selfless parents who, despite the financial hindrances, chose to give me not just a parcel of what I need but every thing that they possess and hold. For me, that is more than enough to make me strong.

I acknowledge my reserved brothers who, despite the misunderstandings, manage to keep their sister appreciated and loved in a way that they understand. For me, that is more than enough to make me happy.

I am proud of myself who, despite the difficult and unfair seconds of some hours in my life, manage to stay strong and sane. I guess every 6th of July represents my every hope and expectations for a renewed and personified survivor.

I am the novel of the unsung writer.
I am the intellect of the forgotten society
Yet…
I am to resound the cadence of valor
I am to inspire a boundless republic.


I give thanks to God for the overflowing handkerchiefs in times of my sadness and depression. I give recognition to God for all those scolding part He gave me just to keep me going on the right track. I am happy to know that there is God and I pity those who don’t. I ask Him to give me more moments to be with my loved ones just so I could create a full-paged scrapbook of those moments back in heaven in His time.





Looks like I am now aiming for the calendar to turn its page to July for the year 2010 and more.

QUANDARY

QUANDARY


My senses are far gone amidst the anguish of my heart
The room was dim;
No light to shine on my face so wet with tears.
No light to cheer up my breaking soul.
No light to remind me that I was indeed in darkness.
Perhaps this moment was destined to challenge my sanity.
Yes, my sanity is on the verge of dropping
My reasons are on the edge of breaking
My senses are on the brink of defeat
I never wanted anyone to share with me the same tragedy
The same dilemma; the same quandary…
My mind wasn’t good at controlling fears.
My heart couldn’t stop those eyes from shedding tears.
I could never have my freedom lest I gave mine.
I could never have my happiness lest I showered mine.
Yes the room was dark but what amazed me was
Every time I tried to switch on the light,
my heart would say yes but the mind would otherwise

Am I to suffer in darkness? Or was my liberation
not in the light?
Should I die wearing a smile or should I live having a sigh?

broken wings

Being an angel in another person’s life is never easy. You may even find yourself giving up your dear wings for that someone…only to find out that without your wings-you’ll be defenseless to the pure hell of pain love can bring…

BROKEN WINGS

From a corner…

You should have seen me wanting you

You should have seen me missing you

You should have seen me adoring you

You should have seen me hurting

…from loving you

How could you tell me that I was the one?

How could you let your lies haunt me like this?

How could you make me feel loved when in fact I am not?

How could you just break my heart like that?

No matter how much I bring up the lost feeling

No matter how I try to regain the memories within

I still couldn’t count the times I failed to erase you from my being

I just can’t believe I am the fool again

I just can’t believe that I failed again

I thought I was your only angel

That my wings were enough to make you happy

I thought I was the only girl in your dreams

But then again, you left me hanging

You deceive me a hundred times

I forgave you a thousand

You left me just once

I welcomed you twice

After a year and two, you came back with the same smile

You act like the way you used to

You look at me like the first time I saw you

You hope to be forgiven because you were a fool

Now hear me say this one more time

Time has passed and so were my wings

I let them flutter in your direction and in your dreams

But you let them be broken for nothing

Time has been the umpire

Tears have been the jury

Happiness is now with me

Regret will forever be your ally

From a corner…

You should have seen me wanting you

You should have seen me missing you

You should have seen me adoring you

You should have seen me hurting

…from loving you

enchanted

The Manila Hotel, one of the most prestigious of its kind is my #1 favorite hotel so far.. I've been at the the Century Park, Hyatt and Diamond Hotel..but for me, nothing beats MH. My every journey to that enchanting place has always been memorable.

My first visit to MH was when I was awarded as one of the Club Bulakenyo Foundation Scholar during my first year in High School. The second was when I, together with the CEU Malolos Chorale performed in a wedding reception of the Assistant Vice Pres. of CEU..

I just hope that in my third time, I can bring along with me my family because I also want them to experience the same thrill I had.

over again

This was written on March 27, 2007 at 11:22pm in my notebook...Whenever I feel down over something or if thoughts and questions would shake my head, I express them thru writing.. now, I'm over it..Its over..


I’m trying…trying so hard to get over my feelings for him. I’m trying to forget.. forget.. forget..

I want to cry often so as to release this tension inside that has been haunting me. I’m trying to figure out things which might help me get over him..his lies.. his love..

I’m trying some new stuffs, funny movies, spending time with my friends. And yet, I’m jaded. I’m haunted. I’m stranded.

Is this because I still wish him to come back? Is it because I want him to hold my hands again? Or is it because I deeply regret the day I made him cry?

Was it my fault or his? I am not sure if I want him back again nor if I want to see him.. but I think I need to talk to him, to clear away my doubts, to hear from him that he still wants me back. I need to understand. I need to know where the line will stop or should I hold back. It’s really hard for me to see the future without clearing the past. I need to know if he loved me the way I loved him. I need to..

I can’t say that I still love him because I was struck by pain. And still the wound lies fresh. The pain that seared from my heart was unbearable and and until now, nobody can ease nor heal that, but him. Or maybe, just maybe, I should start all over again.

angel faith

I wrote this in my notebook four years ago..looking back, i was stunned because I'm still feeling the same sentiments.Now, I don't know if I'm lost...

Written on January 17, 2005 at 11:55 pm


“I am Angel Faith…
Yet my faith is as cold as the northern pole
I am Angel Faith
Yet my faith is like a sinking boat
I am Angel Faith
Yet my heart is full of doubts
I am Angel Faith
Yet my soul is weak and proud”


"My anguish never stops at one point. Life’s uncertainties are pulling me through. I carelessly waited for the dusk because at night it feels calm. In solitude, there lay my childish dreams of becoming better than what I am right now. Yet that goal is a thousand miles away. I don’t stop dreaming, but I don’t stop from falling. I don’t stop aiming, butr I don’t stop from breaking either.

Should dreams stay as what they are? Free yet unfathomable. Should stars be as high as infinity? Easily drawn on a paper yet in reality it’s unreachable. Should I stop dreaming just because my star is quite impossible to reach?"

sanctuary

I really miss Pagudpod, Ilocos Norte..The firts time I went there was April 2003! I've always wanted to travel to different beaches in the Philippines and I could say that pagudpod really is a sanctuary.. I do hope that it will be preserved. I love the sunset and the sunrise and the waves were like singing to me.. i had a moment of solitude there and I felt like conversing with the nature herself.

beauty

Flowers of any kind (and butterflies too) are my favorite subject when i do my painting, drawing or sketching..i think that there is more to that creation than just a mere external beauty.

toxicity

Major 3:Theories on Personality was one of my favorite Psychology major subject (of which I've got a 1.25 general grade). So when I came across some trivia from the net, i eagerly posted it to this blog. Looks like I've got to learn more from this stuff.

8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.
Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

http://www.shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/8-toxic-personalities-to-avoid-461078/

bukas

"Bukas" is a poem that talks about seeing a better future without that someone whom you thought will spend the rest of their lives with you...i made this to console my self way back then..
It was kinda mushy but at least i've expressed my self in a way i knew best.


Bukas

Sa bawat luhang pipigilan ko
Naroroon ang mga ngiti mo
Nag-uumapaw ang pagtangis ko
Sa ating nakaraan
Nahihirapan akong umusad sa katotohanan
Nagkamali yata akong mahalin ka.
Labis ang panaginip
Ngunit kulang ang tiwala

Sa bawat ngiting mamamasdan ko
Humihiyaw ang kalooban ko.
Ang bahid ng kahapon ay sadyang madaya
Naiwan ako sa kasalukuyan na walang pag-asa
Gumuguhit ang luha sa aking pagmulat
Di magawang limutin
Na minsa’y naging akin ka

Sana bukas makita kong nagkamali ako
Na sambahin at mahalin ka.
Sana bukas pagising ko, wala na ang kirot
Ng pusong minsa’y umasa

Kaya ngayon, pakiusap ko, turuan mo
Akong tanggapin
Na hindi lahat ng ngiti mo’y para sa akin
At hindi lahat ng luha ko’y para sa’yo.


now looking back to my "ka-emotan," I just simply laughed and make myself learn more about God's plan..I know that I can look at tomorrow with a bigger head and a careful heart. So for those people who have some "crush" or "love thing" inside their mind, Think Twice!.. Some realities don't really lasts forever..

te amo

I studied Spanish at UP back then as an extramural course. After finishing the course, we were given a certificate which was acknowledge and acredited by the Emabssy of Spain..so anytime I want to go to Spain to work/study, the access will be a loteasier...

now, here's one of the most eternal spanish love poem of which I knew by heart.. This was written in verse by my idol, Pablo Neruda..


Amar alquien no es crimen
Tienes que buscar al fondo
De tu Corazon par aver,
Tu alegria, tu tristeza
Y tu recuerdos
De amor, no hay huida
El amor encontrarte
Adondequiera que ir.

here's the translation..

To love someone, is not a crime
You have to look inside
The depths of your heart
To see tyour happiness,
Your sadness, and your memories

Of love, there is no escape
Love will find you
Wherever you will go

I made this poem way back in 2003.. My original plan was to put some music to it. But i opted to plan B. I want it to retain as a poem, not a song..

Fortress

The day will now end
Without something to hold on
No sign of the air you breathe
Nor a trace of your smile
The day shall end with a heavy anguish of my heart

For you never see my light
Shining down your way
Unsure of what to say
Every time I will pray

Must I end this love for you
Or have this feeling to continue
You never showed me your way
The absence of my love…
That’s what you pray

I tried to forget the mark that you left
It’s hard to continue the war that you’ve started
The fortress I once have now faded
Deliverance, that’s what you wanted

The fortress I once have now faded
Deliverance, that’s what you wanted

Gratitude

para pasalamatan ang mga dormates kong soooobrang thoughtful, ginawan ko sila ng poem..ginawa ko to nung sinurprise nila ako for my debut...at pinost ko sa pinto ng kwarto nmin.,.sa ganitong paraan, gusto kong madama nila na naging masaya ako sa simpleng regalo nila sa akin..



Gratitude

Thank You …
For the times I almost forgot to be sad
Because you told me
“God will cheer you up,
his love is the best you’ll ever had”
Thank you…
For making me accept the things I can’t
Because you told me
“Accept your failures
Not all things are meant”

Thank You…
For making me happy in times I’d rather die
Because you told me
“Life is like that
Cheer up and never give up”

Thank you…
For counting me worthy of this endless friendship
Because you told me
“Open your eyes and see
This friendship of ours is forever endless”


i miss you guys, dont worry..magkakaroon tayo ng bonggang-bonggang reunion..haha! mwah

for dian

dian was my former PE mate..i made this poem for her way back in UP..

Melancholy drove me to the bottom
Wandering within the darkest depths
Uncontrolled tears, unsung fears
Every dream seems far yet so near

Fate created the chance of meeting you
I may never know the reason why I’m with you
You’ve been a light in the dark side of me
You make everything look so new and true

A mate of a quarter, a friend of forever
Breeze of the morning laughs when we are together
A heart pounding in truth making us wise
The journey we shall finish until we see the sunrise


mahirap ng makahanap ng kaibigan sa loob lamang ng maikling panahon..i miss u di.

lily for the soul

during my stay at my dorm in Manila, I met this very wonderful lady of whom I fondly call Tita Belen..I made this poem for her. I wanted to tell her how much she means to me and until now, she will always be beautiful flower for me..thanks Tita! i miss u..

Lily for the Soul

Such a brave heart
Empowering clasp of caress
Simplicity of your being
Sang the sweetest lullaby
A matron by profession
A mother by vocation

You heard my anguish
Crying, until the dawn
Hush the whisper
Renew each day with bliss
And hope fills me in
Strengthen by your words
This soul conquers something not, but all

In a world of liars and thieves
You stood high amidst animosity
Thru the dark space of uncertainty
You remain a saint, a savior
A friend for me

If time would bid goodbye and end this cherished bond
I won’t grieve nor leave a sigh
For in my heart you’ll still remain
Till the sea run out of sand

i am natural daw..

I took a quiz at the facebook to see how beautiful I am daw..eto result..haha..


The greatest things is life are free of complications - you're a practical beauty who doesn't rely on frills and passing fads to show off your style. Down-to-earth and oh-so-cool, friends count on you for good advice and a strong shoulder to cry on. You know what you want out of life and don't worry about impressing others with over-the-top outfits and the newest alternative styles. You've got a healthy dose of self-confidence that simply radiates beauty and grace. And nothing's more natural than that.

memory

Mitch Albom is one of my favorite contemporary writer. He drew the hearts of his readers in every page.. The Five people was a stunning work. and I love evry single detail of the story. Actually, I agree with most of its
Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. memory.
memory becomes your partner. you nurture it. You hold it. you dance with it. --Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

lucky

the first time I heard this song, I kinda like everything about it, from the rhythm to the beat and to the lyrics...somehow, I wanted to feel the same message it has. I think it is nice to be in love with a friend who quite knew every detail of you. It's like bringing the warmth of friendship to the next level..but don't get me wrong, I am not literally in love with my best friend.

here's Lucky by J. Mraz:

Do you hear me, I'm talking to you

Across the water across the deep blue ocean

Under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams

I feel your whisper across the sea

I keep you with me in my heart

You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend

Lucky to have been where I have been

Lucky to be coming home again

They don't know how long it takes

Waiting for a love like this

Every time we say goodbye

I wish we had one more kiss

I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

lovely lady

I took a quiz at the Facebook. And here's the result..nah??!

You are lovely and caring. You help others and spread out a lot of sympathy. Your life aim might be to serve the people. But your weakness is that you forget about yourself, your own needs. All your time is hold back for your friends and family. You are always there for people in trouble. Ready for any emergency. You make a lot of sacrifices just to be a good human. But every woman has her needs, her longings and a destiny. Don't loose yourself in work or curing other people's souls. You will have your own problems in your life. Another problem is that you don't say your opinion when it's right and important to say it. People trample onto your soul if you are always so kind and lovely and helpful. They will play on you. Though you should try to relax more and enjoy your life, you should not loose the gift that was given to you to help others . Not everyone is created this way... You are unique and rare!

I am not really a Maria Clarang Makabayan.. I also get some colonial mentality syndrome in my system. I admit that I do not patronize the local industry in a perfect score of 10..

But believe me, I loathe all the facts that are insulting to our heritage, not to mention, our own race.

Now, hear my voice:

Those filthy foreigners who tried to show the world that their race is "better" make me sick. I don't have to enumerate all of them, but i invoke my freedom to correct them as far as my opinion is concern.

Alec Baldwin should have watched his mouth more. I find his "joke" about considering having a mail-order-Filipina-bride (or Russian also, as he said) very unethical and unprofessional. What does he think of himself? a filthy god wannabe who can claim and "buy" whatever and whoever he wants??
for his information, the "filipina" is not and will never be for sale. I hate to say it but he might as well look intently at his own status and situation.

message for Baldwin:
1. we are not for sale
2. you are so pathetic
3. i pity you and the rest of your colleagues who know nothing but money, sex and sins.
4. you are good for nothing so you better watch your mouth.

and for those people (foreigners or not) who find any Filipina to be of low class and easy to enslave, I am warning you.

BLEEDING IS BEAUTIFUL

one of my favorite songs is IRIS..an OST of the movie City of Angels (of which I haven't even seen yet!!) anyway, my fave line of that song goes like this..

YEAH, YOU BLEED JUST TO KNOW YOU'RE ALIVE...



it's true.. in order for you to experience the reality and validity of any occurence in your life, you've got to get HURT first..yup, you've read it right!

living within our existence don't usually promise a paradise nor abyss.
living out our hearts won't mean fantasy neither..

instead

living (which I believe that somehow corresponds to loving) means the opposite of hedonism.
You've got to get hurt and experience whichever pain is availabale at the moment. You've got to bleed. you've got to get hurt. you've got to cry. at times though, you've got to "almost lose your sanity."

at the end of the bumpy road, you'll see that there is a promise of healing..and when that time comes, you'll realize that BLEEDING IS BEAUTIFUL..and that PAIN will let you realize that you are indeed the most blessed and the most beautiful person that ever walked on earth.


I've always believed in happiness, and in sorrow..
you see, i have both of them in my pocket. ;p ..always!

my desire...desiderata

when i get down and stumble..i see some ray of

hope thru this wonderful piece of art..desiderata..

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

it's so damn hard to be in between happiness and sorrow..but at least, life could still be worth living..right?

bakit wala pa akong boyfriend?

kapag tinatanong ako bakit wala pa daw akong boyfriend, sinsabi ko na lang, "eh wala eh..ayoko pa''...

siguro pwede na akong ituring ng mga tao na wirdo, eccentric, playsafe na tao at sentimental na nilalang..wala naman akong magagawa tungkol sa mga bagay na to. kapag si cheska na kasi ang pinag-uusapan, what you see is what you get..

now back on the topic..hmm, pag-ibig eh?

di ko itatanggi na nagmahal na din ako dati. madaming beses na din akong kinilig sa mga "simple at mababaw na bagay na may kinalaman sa pagmamahal..madalas din na mamisinterpret ko ang mga pa-tweetums ng mga guy friends ko sa akin..at kahit sa sikat na artista, kinikilig ako.

mga signs na i'm head over heels..

#1. isang text lang (kahit gm) e ngumingiti na ako..believe me, matamis ang mga ngiti ko!

#2. makabasa lang ako ng anything na may kinalaman sa kanya, masaya na ako.

#3. kapag nakakapanood ako ng mg chick flicks, nagdaday dream ako at humahabi ng sarili naming chick flicks.hehe.

#4. nasa isip ko ang mukha niya palagi

#5. lumilipas ang beinte cuatro oras na tumitibok ng literal ang puso ko at metaporikal na siya ang dahilan.

ganyan ako dati mainlab kahit pa sabihing sila'y panaginip lamang. sa mga ganitong kahibangan ako nagiging masaya at abot abot ang euphoria..

bumalik tayo sa tanong..bakit wala pa akong boypren?

di ko kasi makita pa ang sarili ko na inaalagaan ng ibang tao bukod sa pamilya ko. kadalasan din pakiramdam ko,"wala akong karapatan" sa pagibig..hindi ko kasi din maramdaman yung reyalidad na magkakaroon ako ng commitment sa isang taong hindi ko mn kaanu-ano..sinasabi ko din madalas na "bata pa ako" at ayaw ko pang lumugar sa mga naging dating posisyon ng mga kababaihang nabuntis bigla o sa mga binatang nagsisisi sa pagiging mapusok nila.

Sa panahon ngayon, bihira na ang mga "virgin couples"..what i mean is, virgin ka spiritualy and physically.. kapag kasi may karelasyon ka, sinasabi nila normal lang ang "may nagaganap"..hindi ako sang-ayon dun...

para sa akin, ang tunay na pagmamahal ay may kaakibat na respeto at pasensya..

RESPETO sa katawan at pagkatao ng partner mo at

PASENSYA sa paghihintay ng tamang panahon para sa mga bagay na dapat mga mag-asawa lamang ang may saklaw.

pinangangalagaan ko ang aking sarili gaya ng pag-iingat sa akin ng nanay ko mula pa nuong una..ayokong mapariwara dahil sa mga maling nakaugalian ng mundo ng pag-ibig.

sa ngayon, marami akong mahal..

#1.ang Diyos

#2.ang nanay, tatay at dalawa kong kptid na lalaki

#3. ang career ko sa loob at labas ng aming bahay

#4. ang aking mga kaibigan

#5. ang aking sarili...

FROM PURGATORY

I made a mistake. I should have known better…now, I’m dead.

Long ago, I was trying to run away from the nightmares of not having an identity to create within the depths of my world. I was besieged by the idea of playing someone else’s role. I was never thankful to the “gift of being” my Creator had given me.

There was never a moment of satisfaction.

A creation of something or someone I will never know, which is invariably always in my thoughts, will temporarily soothe the cringing pain robbing the very insanity of which heavens bestowed upon this soul.

Pain –he is my brother…and my robber.

Perhaps my anguish, a silent one, will never be heard.
And I guess some things are learned when you are already kissing the grave and when the coldness of the ground, which embraces you, is the only mantle of consolation present within.

The cry of an excruciating pain will always follow me, like a shadow or like the wind.
No. Do not tell me that I did not try. Do not tell me that I did not bother to take it off. It was my long-time yearning to emancipate myself from this desolation and despair. But I find no victory at all.

I cried so loud because I was dead, yet the birds still continue to sing the melody of living. I envy them a thousand times.
I tried to end the misery and the pessimism of my little freak mind but I still find no refuge at all. And no, not even a tear from the clouds nor the streak of sunshine could fathom my agony. From the moment I step my vision here, I beg my mind to numb my heart and wash the guilt away.

I tried. Believe me I tried.
I collected all efforts left to tell you how painful it was.
No one hears my voice. No one feels my sorrow. No one sees my pain.
Still, I know I made a mistake and I should have known better…
Now, here I am, wanting to be free.
The former place of abode I called home did not teach me to live the parcel of my life or even to laugh out my essence. I was a slave of a bitter curiosity and of a contemptuous culture. And now, I shall reside here with only a fringe of light that forms only from above. I do not understand why I am still fighting to live from the battle of the dead. Perhaps it is for me to taste the wine of eternal happiness.
But why am I still dwelling from the realities of my nightmares? Why am I still hearing the horrible footsteps and knocks of my past?
You see I quest for freedom. I seek forgiveness. I want a prayer. And I need God.
If only I could touch Him.
If only…

BREVITY

i wrote this poem way back in 2007.

I had my simple moments with my mom and brothers before i wrote this poem..i then realize that Life, after all, is simply a treasure, especially if you spend it with your

precious ones..

Her soul laughs simple worries and cries tearful joys;
Knew no boundaries in weaving unspoken dreams
Sees forever by just playing her game
Life’s wholeness was simply perfect; nothing will be destroyed

She took no rain when her feet were wandering
Faith was what she had; she was simply trusting
Little did she know she was to kiss eternity goodbye?
Without seeing the cherished dawn, not even the sky

In her placid dream, she tasted the bitter tears
She longed for infinite solitude beyond her sanity
Not all shade in her track appears to be clear
Yet she cherished life, its weakness, and its brevity.

sa piling mo

i don' t actually go crazy over soap operas. I am not an avid fan of those kinds either..but then, Totoy Bato serye moves me to the extent that I cried..that seldom happens..

I salute the character of totoy, a strong father for his daughter and a valiant hero for his fellow.

i cried on the scene where he "informally" bid goodbye to his dying daughter(his daughter needs a new heart). The irony was he wanted to die first before his daughter. he wanted to give even his heart to his daughter in order for the latter to survive. i even cried more because of the melodios song Sa Piling Mo sung by the songbird.

nowadays, the bond between father and child seldom takes the stage. It is usually the mother who does every sacrifices.. and the fathers get left behind..
i don't have much moments with my own dad because he is away doing his job in order for us to have food at the table..I see him twice a month..and that makes me sad...nonetheless, i never fail to tell him and make him feel that I am blessed to have him as my dad and our haligi ng tahanan. although he technically cannot provide everything, his motives and hopes for us make him simply a wonderful daddy..

tatay, alam ko di mo to nababasa pa..pero gusto kong malaman mo na mahal na mahal ka namin. at nananatili ang mataas na pagtingin namin sa'yo..

Sa piling mo ako'y buhay

Napapawi ang lungkot at lumbay

Walang iba para sakin

At habang buhay kitang mamahalin

Ipinapangako ko

Pakakaingatan ko ang iyong puso

Hindi ka na mag-iisa

Pagkat ako ay lagi mong makakasama

Sa piling mo akoy buhay

Napapawi ang lungkot at lumbay

Walang iba para sakin

At habang buhay kitang mamahalin

Ipinapangako ko

Pakakaigatan ko ang iyong puso

Hindi ka na mag-iisa

Pagkat ako ay lagi mong makakasama

Ngayon at kailanmanSa hirap at ginhawa...

Sa piling mo nadarama

Ang walang patid na pag-sinta

Minimithi, gabi't araw

Na ang magmamahal sa akin ay ikaw...

Sa piling mo...

quite unrequited

i am loving someone whom i cannot actually be with..


all the more, those years he had been my friend makes me feel that at least, i have got some chance of being someone he can love too..

i never wanted to tell him my feelings because of fear.. i am afraid to lose our friendship..
i wish to see his face but i just can't. i only dream of being with him every now and then but still, reality exists.

i wish i could be more open to him of how much i wanted to show him and tell him this feeling i've been feeling for the past six years..i miss those movie escapades and barkada trippings we had..

i guess somethings never change..

i love him..


butu this feeling will, i guess stay unrequited..

i dont even know if he likes me..


well, all's well that ends well.

my brevity

i guess when people would look at me with much scrutiny and undefined questions inside their mind, i can't help but seek for a refuge..i always wanted to belong to something or someone i can always be proud of..i guess my life hasn't shown me the way to see things the way i want to understand it.

in some set of chances, i would like to really matter..i dont want to be just someone whome they call cheska..maybe, just maybe, it will happen..

i play timid and meek all the times..i do my own things on my own terms and i play safe beside my beliefs..i could not contend with what lies ahead..i am afraid..

i seem unseen..i seem unimportant..its ok..i guess, my life will just be like this..

but honestly, i want my life be brief..